Killer Sally – A closer look at the true story

The story of Sally McNeil and the murder of her husband Ray McNeil (sometimes spelled McNeill) has generated a lot of buzz. “Killer Sally” was in the top 10 of Netflix shows, both globally and in the US.

While watching and then re-watching the three part series, something didn’t sit well with me. There’s always more to the story and I always want to know more. I want to share a different perspective about the murder of Ray.

Sally repeatedly claimed in the series that her body building husband was an abuser and that she was a battered wife – and was left with no choice but to shoot her husband in self defense.

However, Sally’s testimony to the Parole Board in 2019 and 2020 refutes her own statements in the Netflix series. It offers a completely different version of events that led up to the shooting of her unarmed husband.

I’ve also obtained court documents from the trial, which included written statements and police reports that documented Sally’s long list of violence against teenagers, her husbands, neighbors, women and police officers.

Both Ray and Sally were in the Marine Corps stationed at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton. When Sally started bodybuilding she said her Staff Sergeant Ira Kelly, told her “You know, the bodybuilding contest isn’t just a bikini contest.” She ended up placing 4th in the Armed Forces Bodybuilding Championship in 1987.

Ray and Sally lived in a home on South Freeman Street, in Oceanside, California, after they were married. They would eventually move to an apartment at 1802 South Tremont Street in South Oceanside. The couple both belonged to Gold’s Gym, which was located on South Hill Street (Coast Highway) and both pursued bodybuilding. Sally also wrestled various “clients” across the country, many of which were filmed.

Sally presented herself as an abused and battered wife. And I believe she was. But Sally also abused and battered. The list of violence perpetrated by Sally includes:

• Hitting her first husband, John Anthony Lowden, in the head with a lead pipe, requiring 8 stitches.
• Assaulting numerous officers in two different police departments.
• The assault of two teenage female babysitters and two unrelated adults.
• Dropping weights on Ray’s car, while he was in it.
• Arrested for willful cruelty to a child in 1990.

Despite her history of violence, she has garnered the sympathy of many and headlines echo Sally’s claims of self defense. The Guardian is one example with a headline that reads: “This is still happening today: the story of an abused wife accused of murder.” The byline opens by saying “A sensitive new docuseries considers the case of Sally McNeil, a woman who killed her violent husband in self-defense.”

In the Netflix series Sally recounts the terrifying moments leading up to the shooting of Ray while her two children were home.

“First, he hit me. ‘Cause I told him, I said, “Well, you look like sh–.” “You’re not gonna place at all.” “You’re not striated in the contest.”

“So then he hit me. And then he started choking me. I got scared, and I thought, “He’s gonna kill me, and I’m not gonna make it through this night.” I scrambled away. I ran to the bedroom and retrieved the weapon. I grabbed two, um… two rоսnds, and, um, walked out to the living room, and loaded the weapon as I was walking out to the living room. I didn’t know what he was capable of doing. He had five different steroids in him. He was superhuman. He was super strong and he was super fast in a small apartment.

“So I tell him to get out, and he says, “No,” so I shot him.. He’s on the ground, so I go out and I grab the blanket, and I came in and brought it and covered him, to prevent shock.”

Transcript of 911 Call

Sally called 911 and said: “I just shot my husband because he just bеɑt me up.” She would repeat this at least two more times to the operator.

Operator: You shot your husband?

Sally: Yes. I’m at 1802 South Tremont Street.

Operator: Who’s crying?

Sally: My daughter.

Operator: Okay, is he dead?

Sally: He’s shot.

Operator: Okay. What’s your name?

Sally: My name is Sally McNeil. Don’t touch the door, Shantina!

Operator: How old is he?

Sally: He might bеɑt me up!

Operator: Ma’am! I just got bеɑt up.

Sally’s daughter describes how she heard her mother choking before Ray was shot. Sally told police the scratches on her neck were from Ray choking her.

Parole Hearing

But at her parole hearing she revealed the real origin of those marks:

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: I was looking back over my notes and I wanted to ask you, this is kind of jumping back a bit, but back at the life crime, you did have some marks on your neck? And I wanted to ask you where those marks came from? Did you hear my question?

INMATE MCNEIL: No. Ma’am. Can you repeat it.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: At the time of the life crime the record it’s showed something about you having marks on your neck. So, where did those marks come from?

INMATE MCNEIL: I was wrestling the day before. I had a client and it probably came from there. There were scratches on the back of my neck too. They noticed them, I let them believe what they wanted to believe.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: So, you said the marks were on your neck from wrestling the day before?

INMATE MCNEIL: Yes, ma’am.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: And you said you let them believe what they want to believe. Who is them? And they?

INMATE MCNEIL: The police noticed, they noted that I had marks on my neck.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: Okay. Did you say anything to the police about where you got those marks?

INMATE MCNEIL: I said he was choking me and that’s probably how it happened. And I probably scratched myself when I tried to stop him from choking me. That’s what I told them.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: So, you told the police, the victim was choking you and that you had scratched your neck?

INMATE MCNEIL: Yes, ma’am.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: Was that true?

INMATE MCNEIL: No.

In another portion of the hearing Sally McNeil concedes that she shot her husband in anger, not self defense.

INMATE MCNEIL: I admit what the DA said, I don’t have any arguments with him. I accept responsibility.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: Today, do you say that the victim abused you at all?

INMATE MCNEIL: No. The victim did not — the victim did not abuse me that day.

PRESIDING COMMISSIONER THORNTON: And was there any element of self-defense that day?

INMATE MCNEIL: No, ma’am.

This testimony to the Parole Board belies the story Sally now tells on the popular Netflix series.

Prior Marriage

Sally Marie Dempsey was born September 30, 1960 in Allentown Pennsylvania. After a brief time in college, she joined the Marine Corps in 1981. She was stationed at Quantico, Virginia, working as a food specialist. She met a fellow Marine, John Anthony Lowden, and they married on September 3, 1982. Their first child, Shantina, was born 8 months later. Another child, John, followed in 1985.

The couple moved to California, presumably a duty transfer to Camp Pendleton. The marriage lasted less than four years. During the marriage Sally gave birth to a third child in 1986, but the baby was not fathered by John Lowden. The home was so tumultuous that the children were in the custody of Juvenile Court when the infant was just 4 months old. The baby was given up for adoption and never mentioned in the Netflix series, although the adoptive mother was featured as a supporter of Sally’s.

Sally filed for divorce in January of 1987 and married Ray Fitzgerald McNeil that same year.

John Lowden stayed in the area and fought for custody of the children. It was a contentious situation between John and Sally, as well as Ray and Sally.

Child Neglect

In statement given to police, neighbors who lived in the same apartment building recalled their experience. “We started hearing physical fighting between Ray and Sally during late December 18, 1989. The second or third time that we knew of something such as the fighting going on, my wife was so afraid that we had to leave the house. Our other neighbor, former apartment assistant manager, had already called the police.

“My main concern during this period was the welfare of the kids. They were never dressed properly for the weather and always appeared dirty, primarily because of dirty clothing. Shortly thereafter, my wife started driving Shantina to the bus stop. She was never dressed for the weather, and could easily catch colds or worse.

“During the afternoons, Shantina would usually be alone and unsupervised. Her brother would be supervised by a babysitter. Shantina complained and cried a lot about her mother not being home. Sally and Ray worked out daily bodybuilding and kept late hours.

“On one instance, we had a power outage and Shantina asked if she could come into my house, because it was dark, and she was all by herself. She said she and her brother were left alone quite often.

“The police came to their apartment on more than one occasion primarily for the purpose of spouse abuse. Sally gives the impression of hostility and I believe that’s because of the environment that she has created for her family.

“During late June, Ray had not been at home for a while, maybe a week or two. Ray came home early one afternoon for the purpose of moving out. I did not witness the upcoming events but a police report was filed. Sally attacked Ray as he tried to move out. She ran out of the apartment and jumped on a guy’s truck that Ray was in. The guy was helping him move. Sally ran back up to the second floor apartment and threw an entire weight set over the balcony. She displayed no regard to safety of any individuals below her. Thank God no one was hurt. It was early afternoon and the only car that was hit by the flying weights was her husband’s.

“Sally was handed an eviction notice that day. The police and the social services department came by a couple of times after that last incident. The kids were placed in a home while Sally moved out on her own.“

A Call for Help

The Oceanside Police Department filed a Juvenile Contact Report on dated July 30, 1990 which is similar to the neighbor’s statement. In the report the office notes that a “child calling on 911, left home by Mother.” OPD arrived at the apartment of Sally McNeil at 3871 San Ramon in Oceanside.

Officer D. Cox wrote his “observations and actions” in the following narrative:

“Officer Young and I went to the door where we contacted Shantina Lowden, 7, and John Lowdon, 5. Their mother, Sally McNeil had just returned home. I noticed the apartment was dirty, unkempt with clothing and trash thrown all over in every room. There was no fresh food in the kitchen. I noticed that cookies and ice cream were out on the table and appeared to be the only food available.

“I explained to McNeil that we were there to investigate why her kids were left alone. She immediately became a defensive, grabbing both kids and attempting to take them down the hallway. I tried to explain to her that we were mandated by law to investigate any allegations of child abuse, or neglect. She begins screaming that we needed a search warrant. I asked her several times to calm down, that I wanted to talk with the kids alone. She screamed that I was not going to talk to them, then told the kids not to talk with me.

“I asked Shantina if she had been left alone tonight. She nodded her head yes, while looking at her mother. McNeil screamed at Shantina, “What are you saying again?”

“I explained to McNeil that we needed to talk to the kids. She refused by grabbing the kids and walking toward the bathroom. I told McNeil that if she didn’t allow me to talk with the kids, I would arrest her. She still continued toward the bathroom with the kids.

“I told McNeil that she was under arrest as she was delaying me in the performance of my duties. I attempted to handcuff her right arm. She began to violently resist or attempts to handcuff her. McNeil is a bodybuilder and is very strong. She violently turned towards me as officer Young attempted a carotid restraint hold on her neck. He could not apply the hold, and she violently bent over, attempting to throw Young over her shoulder. I could not overcome McNeil’s strength with wrist holds/twists. I applied chemical mace to McNeil‘s face which caused her to lose her balance. All three of us went to the floor. I was able to cuff one wrist as the mace took affect.

“McNeil was able to turn over with both Young and I on top of her. I applied mace again to McNeil’s face. She quit fighting and I was able to handcuff both wrists. McNeil was taken to OPD for booking. She was cited released to PMO.”

OPD included the Victim Statement: Shantina Lowdon told me that her mother frequently leaves her and her brother home alone. Tonight her mother left them both alone for about an hour. She said she phoned 911 because she was afraid to be alone. She also said she and her brother were placed in a foster home about a year ago when they lived on Camp Pendleton.

Sally McNeil’s statement: McNeil denied leaving her kids alone tonight. She said she was just out in the parking lot changing the tire on her truck. She denies leaving the kids alone frequently.

The report concluded: Shantina and John were taken into protective, custody and placed into Hillcrest Home.

Injuries: Officer Young sustained injury to his left wrist during the altercation. (Not treated.)

OPD Responds Again

Just weeks later, at a new address, Oceanside Police were called by Sally’s ex-husband John
A. Lowden to 1802 South Tremont Street. On August 12, 1990 the responding officer wrote his observations in a report:

“Upon arrival I met the victim, John Lowden and took his statements. The rear window and two side windows of his Honda Accord were smashed in. It appeared as if a heavy object was used to smash them as the window frame above the right rear window was dented in.

“I also met the suspect, Sally McNeil, and took her statements. Lowden and McNeil are divorced, but have two children who reside with McNeil at 1802 S. Tremont Street, apartment No. 5.

“After obtaining statements, Lowden signed a citizen arrest form against McNeil. I advised McNeil she was under arrest, but did not take her into custody. I issued her a citation number for 316914PC594 and PC242. Officer Schultz responded and took photos of the damage to Lowden’s car.“

Victim statement: Lowden essentially stated the following: At about 13:45 hrs. he arrived at McNeil‘s to visit his children. He and McNeil started arguing about the children’s welfare. Lowden went down to his car to leave. McNeil followed him. As he got in his car, McNeil hit him in the face with her closed fist. She then grabbed his necklace and ripped it from his neck. Lowden hit her back in defense and pushed her back. McNeil went to her truck and retrieved a long metal bar. She started smashing in Lowden‘s car windows. Lowden told her that he would call the police. McNeil retrieved a small handgun from her truck. Lowden saw the gun and ran away to call the police. Lowden stated that McNeil has a history of being violent and he desires prosecution for battery and vandalism.

Both parties were issued mutual restraining orders but Sally was required to be drug tested with results being sent to Family Court Services.

Roommate Witnesses Sally’s Jealous Rage

Court documents in Sally’s murder trial included the testimony of Lloyd Jenkins, who met Ray McNeil in 1986 while in the Marine Corps and met Sally one year later. The narrative from the Statement of Facts is as follows:

“Mr. Jenkins had lived with the couple at various times during their relationship. Mr. Jenkins has personally witnessed over 25 episodes of violence committed by the defendant against the victim. The witness has seen the defendant punch the victim numerous times, destroy property, and throw tantrums like a spoiled child. He describes the defendant as hostile jealous, and her moods cyclical.

“In 1988 while the couple lived on base at Camp Pendleton, the defendant, in a jealous rage, threw a video camera, VCR and CD player out a second story window at the victim as he attempted to leave their apartment.

“In 1990, Mr. Jenkins and the victim were leaving the couple’s apartment to go to a bar. As the victim told the defendant, the defendant started yelling and screaming at the victim. The defendant grabbed the victim around the legs and yelled at him to stay. The defendant yelled at Mr. Jenkins to make the victim stay.

“The defendant then went into the kitchen and swept all the dishes from the counter onto the floor. The victim went to see what it happened, and the defendant slapped him in the face. The victim slapped her back. Both the victim and Mr. Jenkins ran out of the apartment and got into the witness’s car. The defendant ran to Mr. Jenkins’ car and dove through the open driver side window into the car. The defendant was screaming, ‘Please don’t leave, make him stop.’ The victim exited the car and ran up the stairs. The defendant followed. The victim ran back to the car, where he was able to leave with the witness.

“The next morning, the defendant accused the victim of ‘screwing’ some girls. The defendant became violent and aggressive. The victim [Ray] and Mr. Jenkins went downstairs where the victim got into his car and attempted to leave. The defendant threw a 70 pound barbell from the second floor onto the victim’s car, nearly striking the victim. The victim was in the driver seat. The defendant then threw two 20 pound dumbbells onto the victim’s car. The Oceanside Police Department responded. Mr. Jenkins heard the defendant tell the police that the victim had hit her.

“Between 1990 and 1993, Mr. Jenkins saw the defendant hit the victim under the eye with a picture frame, lacerating the skin. Mr. Jenkins states the victim punched the defendant in the nose causing injury.

“Mr. Jenkins states during one incident in 1992, the defendant, angry because the victim was leaving to go to the gym, threw a TV set out of a window. The witness asked the defendant why she was doing that. The defendant replied the victim, had ‘screwed’ some girl. Mr. Jenkins asked how she knew, to which the defendant stated she just knows.

“In late December 1994 or early 1995, the defendant stopped at Mr. Jenkin’s house in Orange County to call home. After the call, the defendant [Sally] slammed down the phone. The defendant yelled at Mr. Jenkins, ‘I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t see her tonight.’ As she left, she knocked down Mr. Jenkin’s chairs.

“In late December 1994, Mr. Jenkins went to the victim’s home to take him to the gym. When [he] arrived at the couple’s apartment, defendant was in a rage. The defendant yelled at the victim and threw a glass at him. Defendant yelled at the victim not to go. The defendant jumped on the victim’s back and scratched his chest.

Wrestling Men

Sally could clearly hold her own with men, demonstrated by taking on police officers (more than once) and her two husbands. As featured in the Netflix series, Sally also wrestled men for money. One of her clients wrote a letter to the judge in support of Sally after her trial. He described Sally as easygoing and sweet and the experience of wrestling women as a sensual experience. While her clients supported her, Sally said the experience of wrestling them “disgusted” her.

September 26, 1996

To Honorable Laura Hamms, Superior Court, San Diego County

Your Honor,

I am a friend and wrestler wrestling client of Sally McNeil and I understand she is appealing her case, I would like to share some thoughts with you about Sally and her work. These dual relationships of friend and client did not begin until last year, while Sally was awaiting trial. I cannot speak about her from personal experience before the death of her husband. But I have known her since that time, and I think her my observations may be important to her case.

I met Sally last year when she came here to wrestle. She was in dire need of money. I remember thinking about, as I drove to the airport to pick her up, all I heard about her domestic life. In all honesty I was not sure what to expect. Because prior commitments prevented me from picking her up upon time, I had told her she would have to wait three hours at the airport. So I figured she would be in a nasty mood. I was not enthusiastic about meeting her.

I was surprised. The smallest woman, with the radiant face, sitting patiently on her luggage at the curb, and not the slightest complaint about the long wait. She appeared to me, in fact, to be one of the shyest, most undemanding innocent people I’ve ever met in bodybuilding, or anywhere else for that matter. And that impression was reinforced during the several days she was stayed with me by a disposition that was agreeable, easy-going, good humored, and downright sweet. Frankly, I was amazed!

Granted, I was providing an atmosphere for her that was stress-free more, vacation than work. And it is probable that given all that had happened, she was feeling chastened. And, I would have also expected that she would have been frightened at the prospect of going to prison. But at no time in her stay, or my conversation with her, did she ever express much concern for herself. She did, however, speak at length about her children. She seems to love them very deeply, and she worries about the effects of her absence on them. Most of the volume of very touching poetry that Sally has written is for her children. Whatever else you may find her, she is certainly a doting mother.

Then there is a matter of Sally’s wrestling. I hear a great deal about the activity being used to support the idea that she is a violent person outside her home life as well. One of the bodybuilding magazines did a short story recently on Sally and showed brochure marketing her with names like ‘Killer.’ Anyone who has watched professional wrestling on TV shows know that names like ‘Killer,’ ‘Strangler,’ ‘Destroyer,’ etc. are part of the trade. I understand some of the people who wrestle under those names are some of the most gentle people around. The names do not necessarily have anything to do with their nature.

But, perhaps it is the idea of a woman wrestling men for money that is least understood. As one of those men, I have some insights into what it is all about. And, I think the insights are important and understanding what Sally is, and is not about.

First, let me tell you why most of us wrestle women. Am I qualified to do so? I have had perhaps two dozen women stay with me through the years to wrestle me and other men in the area. I’ve come to count a few of these women among my close friends. I am also in regular contact with many of the video makers, who work professionally with the women. One of these videographers, a very bright articulate, and insightful man has been involved in the activity, since it began, and may have had more to do with its inception than anyone else. I have had extensive conversations with most of these people, including the clients about their own involvement. Their observations concerned my own.

In a word, we wrestle these women because most of them are very attractive. That is, we find their combination of physical beauty, athleticism and strength extremely compelling. There are many who would not agree with us. There are many more who I think would agree if they dared buck prevailing public sentiment. In truth, our tastes are no less, and no more valid than anyone else’s. Be that as it may, we truly appreciate these women, and know that, because most of us are not great looking athletes, the only contact we may ever have with them is through wrestling. It is a way to experience them.

‘So,’ you might well ask. ‘isn’t that a sex substitute?’ Absolutely. And a safe, legal, and healthy one at that. And we could probably think of several others in our society that are perfectly acceptable in most quarters. Do these women, then offer sex with wrestling used as a cover? Except in rare cases, no! There are always exceptions. But the women I have work with, and most of the others that I know of established very clear boundaries with their clients in terms of the physical contact that is to take place. And that physical contact is wrestling. Is there fantasy involved? Yes. Can it be sensual? Yes. Is there full body contact? Sure. And the prevailing atmosphere at many of these matches is of pure fun, laughter and mutual appreciation.

Yes, I said ‘mutual.’ These women have put on a staggering amount of time and discipline into their sport, in large part because they like the attention and admiration it can bring them. Wrestling achieves that in a very personal and satisfying way. It does so because, again, for most men the goal is not to win or lose necessarily but to experience and appreciate a person and a physique that are truly extraordinary. When the match is over, the woman often leaves with her need to be recognized, and appreciated met as well. And, this all happens in a way that is entirely within the law.

I know that this is very hard to accept for most of the American public. I would say an answer to that in a society where there are precious few acceptable ways to touch one another physically or emotionally (and given the establish view of the psychological community that touching is an important human need), this form of wrestling and is an innocent, playful and very healthy way to meet the legitimate needs of both men and women who enjoy it. There are enormous pressures acting on most of us. I wish more people would find their own way to releasing them. And, I hope these those ways are as healthy, satisfying and downright fun as the one we have found.

So, am I making Sally into a virtuous practitioner of some noble art? Heck no. She wrestled, I think, because it was fun, satisfying, and earned her badly needed money. And that is the point. Those who say she wrestled because she is vicious and violent tell me they know little of the sport, it’s practices it’s intent or its outcomes. Truth is, anyone who is violent is going to be very frustrated with the sport; it’s much too much fun. And, they will be weeded out very quickly; we all talk to each other. If Sally were taking out whatever violent tendencies she might have on her clients, she would’ve been gone from the scene long ago. Instead, she’s been around for years and has been one of the most respected, and sought after of any of the women.

Your Honor, it all comes down to this. I cannot tell you everything about Sally McNeil; I don’t know it all. If she is violent, maybe that violence died with the man who was beating her. Maybe not. She has certainly told me of her determination to get whatever therapy it takes to help her make better decisions about men. But, I cannot speak to any of this. What I can speak to you from my own experience with her, and that others, who I know, is very simple. She IS capable of controlling herself. She did it every time she wrestled us. If she had not, there would be a lot of a walking wounded out here and she would have been shunned by us years ago.

I look forward to a society that takes appropriate action with those who break its law. There are those that, at this point in our understanding of them anyway, are beyond our power to heal or alter them. They need to be away from those who would hurt. There are others who need and will respond to our benevolence, rather than our punishments. Punishment may leave us satisfied, but will make them worse instead of better. I believe Sally McNeil is one of those people. And I vote for better over worse any day.

Thank you for your attention your honor.

Sincerely,

[Name omitted for privacy]

The Murder of John Lowden, Jr.

Sadly, Sally’s son John Lowden, Jr. was murdered February 28, 2024 in Augusta, GA. He was 38 years old.  Lowden was a special forces weapons sergeant in the Army and did six tours in Afghanistan. Robert Ward was arrested in Lowden’s death. He was charged with murder and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.

Incredibly Sally has started a GoFundMe to raise money for her son’s burial, although a burial and service with full military honors is supplied by the Army at no charge. While she remarried after she was released from prison, it is odd that she is going by Ray’s last name, the one who she said abused her and that she killed with two shotgun blasts.

She wrote: “Hi my name is Sally McNeil and I am trying to raise money to bury my American War Hero Son John Lowden Jr. with dignity and Honor he deserves just like in the Song The Green Beret. This was unexpected, he was shot down unarmed in the streets of Augusta, GA. He deserves a Viking funeral. I want to send him off with the full Honors he deserves. Semper Fidelis”

Watch news coverage of Sally’s arrest and trial from CBS 8 San Diego https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S87DZ5ZQ8g4